Hey rockstars, 

For those of you who read yesterday’s post, know that this week I’m going to do something new. In honor of my entire Instagram FYP being various poems, and in honor of Tay’s new album: The Tortured Poets Department, I decided once a day this week I’m going to pick a poem that’s been living rent-free in my head and write about it. For this, I have to channel all my 10th-grade English reading comprehension skills, but sadly there are no SparkNotes for these poems. So here is me, taking my shallow take on deep poems and hoping I can half-as-eloquently describe how these beautiful pieces of writing made me feel. 

Past Rent-Free Poems: 

• Monday, February 19 
• Here’s day 2: 

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If I Had Three Lives: After “Melbourne” by the Whitlams, by Sarah Russell

“If I had three lives, I’d marry you in two.
The other? Perhaps that life over there
at Starbucks, sitting alone, writing — a memoir,
maybe a novel or this poem. No kids, probably,
a small apartment with a view of the river,
and books — lots of books, and time to read.
Friends to laugh with, and a man sometimes,
for a weekend, to remember what skin feels like
when it’s alive. I’d be thinner in that life, vegan,
practice yoga. I’d go to art films, farmers markets,
drink martinis in swingy skirts and big jewelry.
I’d vacation on the Maine coast and wear a flannel shirt
weekend guy left behind, loving the smell of sweat
and aftershave more than I did him. I’d walk the beach
at sunrise, find perfect shell spirals and study pockmarks
water makes in sand. And I’d wonder sometimes
if I’d ever find you.”

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This poem actually had some mixed reviews online – some people loved it, some people hated it, and some people straight up didn’t understand the poem. You have to love online comment sections. But me? It’s been living rent-free in my head. 

Imagine being so in love with someone that even in a life where you are living your hypothetical perfect life and doing what makes you happy and being the ideal version of yourself, where you’re finding happiness in the little things, you’re traveling, you’re wearing cute outfits, going on self-dates, having intimate moments… you’re still daydreaming about this person.

“And I’d wonder sometimes if I’d ever find you.”

It begs the question of: Can you miss someone you’ve never met? I think you can. It’s like when you listen to a song and it makes you nostalgic for feelings or experiences you’ve never had but that invokes the same pleasure. Whenever I listen to August by Taylor Swift, I get that nostalgic feeling though I haven’t been in that position before. Apparently, there is a term for this and it’s Anemoia, which is a yearning for a past that you never actually experienced.

The concept of Anemoia makes me sad though. It’s the sadness of unrequited love, of old best friends who you always said you’d be “best friends forever” but now you forget they exist and don’t really know what they’re doing in their lives, of past favorite songs whose lyrics you can’t remember…

But this poem is a hopeful kind of sadness. The feeling of “I am happy in my life, I just know I would be happier with you.”

One critic of the poem said that the poem was too vague, but I disagree because I know exactly the kind of vague daydream the poet is talking about. Sometimes I’ll sit in my office at work and look out the windows and daydream about the people I see walking on the street below me, or the few people in the office across from me who don’t WFH – what are these people’s lives like? What do they do? What stresses them out? Where are they going in such a hurry? What are they most excited about? What is their ideal weekend?

Then I think: “What would I be doing with my life if I wasn’t a lawyer?” and I often think: “Yeah I would definitely be an architect” but then I start thinking “What if money were no object, what would I do then?” and I imagine a similar life to the poem. One where I’m at coffee shops and writing all day, taking lots of time to read, taking photographs, and building up hobbies that I always say I want to learn and develop but claim I never have time for. I’d consistently wake up early, meditate, and watch the sunrise. I’m not lonely, by any means, but I am happily and peacefully alone. I have friends, family, and loved ones who support me and love me, and that I love and support too.

But my life isn’t about them, it’s about me.

I would do the things I want to do simply because I want to do them, not because it’s expected of me, and not in between all the other responsibilities and chores that I have.

If only.

If only I wasn’t one of those people who when I spend more than 10 days not doing something ‘productive’ with my life then I start panicking. But in that world, I think I would define productivity differently – not with billable hours, with hours of sleep I got, or cups of coffee I drink, like it’s some kind of contest to be burnt out, exhausted, and jittery with caffeine. 

No, I’d define productivity as “Did I learn something new today?” or “Did I compliment someone” or “Was I brave?” These are things I can do now and think about doing now as an effort to become my favorite self, but it’s easier said than done. Daydreaming about your ideal life when you’re happy, healthy, healing, and calm, is very different than when you’re in stressed-out-survival mode. 

But this, this would be a different kind of life – a quiet, happy, calm, steady kind of life. And if it’s anything like this poem, I’d be quite fulfilled … and I’d still wonder about you.

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Thank you for joining me in my first rent-free poem week! 

Until next time!

xo

Sandhya

If you want to join me to do more rent-free poetry weeks or you want to join me while I go through my 28th year around the sun, then please click the follow or subscribe button! Feel free to connect with me through this platform, twitter, my coffee and checkins Instagram, my podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, or Amazon Music, or email me at coffeeandcheckins@gmail.com! If you have any suggestions for topics or anything you’d like me to write about, please let me know🙂❤