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“Like I Would an Old Friend” — Rent-Free Poems in my Head Day 6

Posted by Sandhya on

Hey Rockstars,

It’s been a while. I’ve actually thinking of posting for quite a few months, but the motivation was never there. Here I am though, motivation is roaring and I feel like reviving the “Rent free poems” posts that I published last year.

In honor of a self-reflective mood, I decided I’m going to pick a poem that’s been living rent-free in my head and write about it. For this, I have to channel all my 10th-grade English reading comprehension skills, but sadly there are no SparkNotes for these poems. So here is me, taking my shallow take on deep poems and hoping I can half-as-eloquently describe how these beautiful pieces of writing made me feel. 

Past Rent-Free Poems: 

And now, here’s Day 6:

“Like I Would An Old Friend” by Jess Janz

I practice speaking
to myself
like I would
an old friend:

I am so far / look how far you’ve come
look at this flaw / let me tell you what I love
I was so wrong / you learned so much
my body is / your body is.
I should have / if you didn’t you wouldn’t be here
such a mess, my life / your life, full of adventures
there is no time / there is time enough

I stumble over the words. I have stumbled into a revolution.

The way I read this poem is that the left column is your words, and the right column is your friend talking calmly to you to give you grace. What’s absolutely wild is that when you’re in a moment of stress and fear, that you know exactly the people to talk to to calm you down. Phone calls that go like “Hey I’m stressed and there’s too much to explain so I won’t, but can you tell me something calming?” and they’ll do it. Or maybe they’ll send you long texts to distract you, full of inside jokes and reminders of who you are.

But I think the poet is saying something even more interesting about this call-and-response — think of the left column as present you, and the right column as future you. Every problem in the moment feels a lot more dramatic and horrible than it is. I am probably the queen of catastrophizing. When I’m having a tough week, every hour can feel so incredibly stressful. But a few months later, everything blows over and it is always fine.

What if I were to take the macro/future me and talk to current me like that to give myself grace? I’d probably save myself a lot of head and heartache.

For me, there are a few quotes in the poem that really spoke to me: (1) I was so wrong / you learned so much; (2) such a mess, my life / your life, full of adventures; (3) there is no time / there is time enough.

I was so wrong / you learned so much

When I hear this I think about relationships. Maybe you were dating someone who isn’t right for you. Whether you know it at the time (“this isn’t perfect but it’s fine”) or you’re in sweet sweet denial (“no it’s fine that he didn’t do X because Y”). Maybe you made a bad judgment call and all you want to do is go back in time and redo it, but you can’t so all you can do is try to be a better person in the future.

The other day I was driving with my brother. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a love affair with driving fast. I know I probably shouldn’t be driving more than 9 over the speed limit, but I can’t really help it. (For the record, I don’t condone affairs … can’t say the same for driving fast.) One thing I don’t do though, is drive fast when others around me are driving recklessly. So of course there’s a driver in front of me who I’m convinced got their license and went straight to the road to annoy me. She had a new car, and you would think someone with a new car would be careful — nope. She could not merge if her life depended on it — which it lowkey did. Regardless, after a dicey situation and me telling my brother, “UGH that was so stupid?!” he replied: “eh, she won’t make the same mistake again. Most people don’t.”

My brother has a tendency to drop the most insightful quotes at the most random times. I remember he told me when we played Mario Kart growing up, “Didi, there’s a reason I win all the time. All you think about is beating me, but all I think about is being first” — I have since learned he was quoting a Bollywood movie, but still.

Point is, he’s right. Most people don’t make the same mistake twice. So make your mistakes, give yourself grace, and then never repeat.

such a mess, my life / your life, full of adventures

I think this one is my favorite. I used to play the game, “what would I be if I wasn’t a lawyer?” but I’ve grown to love my job and the people at my job so much that I don’t really want to be anything but a lawyer. Last week was the Antitrust Spring Meeting, where lawyers from all over the world come and network in one giant conference. At that meeting, I ran into a lot of lawyers and economists that I’ve worked with or met over the years, and it was the first time I attended that meeting where I wasn’t only talking to people at my firm. To finally feel like I’m working in a place where I belong, was a really incredible feeling.

I got to walk across a stage and accept my first award for an article I helped two partners write. I got to welcome “outsiders” into my law firm world, and I got to spend time with people who inspire me, support me, and believe in me.

Even if I’m tired from working, even if I stay up all night working on something that doesn’t end up being needed, even if sometimes I feel extremely burnt out, my life is full of adventures. It’s full of new experiences — working with new people, working on new cases, counseling clients on new issues, and getting to problem solve.

I said in one of my past rent-free poem posts, I want to measure my days by asking “Did I learn something new today?” “Did I compliment someone” and “Was I brave?” Today I can say yes to all these things.

there is no time / there is time enough

Time is such a weird construct. When we’re waiting for good news, time can feel like forever. If we’re anxious about an event coming up where we have to present but feel unprepared, an hour can fly by. I think in general we always feel like we’re running out of time, or that every dramatic event we experience signals “this is the end.” Every wonderful moment we’re like “I never want to let this moment go.” Sometimes my mind tends to spiral about how to deal with certain situations, and I always tend to go to worst case scenario. I guess the reality of the world is that it’s rare for things to go to worst case scenario, but there are consequences to every action. Why doesn’t my mind spiral into the best case scenario? I guess my brain thinks there’s no fun in that.

But even more so, it’s true what they say about time, that it heals all wounds. Yesterday I went to the temple after months. There’s a saying in Hindu culture that you go to the temple when you’re being “called” to the temple, and I definitely felt the pull to go yesterday. I walked in the room and it smelled exactly like my Nana’s house. I immediately teared up and went to sit down.

It’s been almost a year of me losing my Nana. Honestly, it hasn’t fully sunk in yet. There are many moments when I have to remind myself it happened and I get sad all over again, and especially lately I’ve been missing him a lot. I spent some time at the temple, meditating, reflecting, and honestly, just enjoying. It was a rare occurrence where I was the only person there, so it felt like it had been cleared just for me.

I think we all need to give ourselves some grace and talk to ourselves the way a friend would. Maybe in the beginning we need a friend to talk to that can tell us these things.

Things like: “let me tell you what I love about you” and “look how far you’ve come.” And eventually we’ll be able to reframe it for ourselves.

“What if the worst case scenario happens?” we ask. Then we reply: “What if it doesn’t?” or better yet, “even if the worst case scenario happens, you’ll be okay.”

One thing that my friend used to tell me to get me to calm my anxiety is: “there’s no danger here.” I think that’s the ultimate comfort: “whatever happens, you’ll be okay.”

And hopefully along the way you have a great support system and you have self-care rituals in place to remind your mind, body, and intellect that it’ll be okay.

And if you feel like you don’t have that support system, my inbox is always open.

Until next time!

xo

Sandhya

If you would like to celebrate my 30th year around the sun with me, then please click the follow or subscribe button! Feel free to connect with me through this platform, twitter, my coffee and checkins Instagram, my podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, or Amazon Music, or email me at coffeeandcheckins@gmail.com! If you have any suggestions for topics or anything you’d like me to write/speak about, please let me know🙂❤

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  1. Pingback: Rent-Free Poem Week (Rogue Two): Bookmark Near the End – Coffee and Check-Ins

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