Greetings my sweet friends!

(I was going to say good morning then realized that 1. not necessarily the same timezone, 2. you may not be reading this in the morning, 3. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to gather my thoughts together and post this in the “morning” … by the way this is going, probably not)

Not gonna lie, I’ve been in a funk lately. I got to go on a really lovely trip to India for about 10 days to see my grandparents and extended family and spend time with them after years, and it was so much fun. But it was also bittersweet. Grappling with the fact that I had so much anxiety taking time off of work and felt guilty the whole time I was gone and checked in on my matters and with the people on my teams to see if there’s anything I can do to support the team.. and not being able to fully be present in India until like day 5 (after the anxiety passed), only to realize I had just a few days left before I left early (as in, before my parents) to go to my corporate job where I’m 1. replaceable, 2. disposable, and 3. don’t really matter. Then I come back here and I’m at said job, and everything is exactly the same: work is the same, the work and the billable hours are ongoing, and some people didn’t even realize I was gone.

So, what? I’m just spending my life in a job where I mean nothing and missing out on moments with my family and doing things I want to be doing? So now I’m in a funky mood.

So I decided to call my mom, and I video chatted her in India. The first few minutes were lowkey — she asked me what was wrong and I just shrugged and said “nah I’m fine.” Of course anyone who knows me knows I’m a horrible liar and have large anime style eyes that give away how I’m feeling. Also when someone asks me “what’s wrong?” when I’m already sad, then I will immediately start crying LOL. But as the call went on and I talked to mom, dad, and my grandparents, I was feeling a little better. My nana then said in the background that he wanted cold coffee and I’m like… you know what, I’ll make some cold coffee too. So I made Indian-style cold coffee (highly recommend — for anyone reading this who lives near me, let me know and I’ll make some for you the next time you come over) too and had a morning coffee date with my parents and grandparents. So all was fine and dandy 🙂 I did decide that I’m going to have more morning coffee dates and have more morning chai with my parents in the living room.

So then I hang up the phone, and I go upstairs to drink my cold coffee. But then I made the mistake of watching the HIMYM time traveler episode where Ted is sitting alone at a bar and daydreaming about 20 hours from now Ted and 20 years from now Ted, and trying to figure out if it’s worth it to go robots vs. wrestlers. I think this episode is actually one of the gutwrenchingly sad episodes of HIMYM.

Let’s take it one part at a time (this is limited context for people who have actually seen the episode, if you need more context, well, message me or watch the gutwrenching episode on Hulu). Ted is sitting alone at a bar trying to figure out if he should go to Robots vs. Wrestlers, which seasons before, the group agreed “we would always make time for” which is one of those empty promises that you make with your friends like “best friends forever!” or even smaller ones like when you’re at the movie theater and the trailers come on and for every movie you say “oh my god we have to see that” and you don’t go see any of them. Ted is here in a friend group of 5 where 4 of them have moved on with their lives — his two best friends are married and have a child, his other friend, Barney, the “every night is legendary” friend has moved on, with a girl that Ted has been crazy about since the beginning.

Then he wonders whether he should talk to this “coat check girl” but then also realizes that if he talks to her, then it’s going to end one of two ways: it’s either going to be her getting sick of him and them breaking up, or him getting sick of her, and them breaking up. Either way, he imagines a scenario where the relationship is doomed, and he’s used to it, and he can’t even picture if going any different way because he has no idea what that’s like. He has no idea what a “successful” relationship looks like because it’s with someone who doesn’t want to commit or doesn’t love him (Robin), someone who leaves him at the alter (Stella), someone who can’t support his biggest dreams because it goes against her own values (Zoey), or rando people who for a hundred other reasons, it doesn’t work.

So now Ted is alone, and he’s convinced he will be forever.

Except you need to remember that this entire show is in flashback. And toward the end of the episode, Ted says what he would “do differently.” And the first thing he would do differently, would be to go to Tracy’s house. And so he runs and he knocks on her door, and teary eyed he says: “I’m Ted Mosby, and exactly 45 days from now, you and i are going to meet, and we’re going to fall in love, and we’re going to get married and we’re going to have two kids. And we’re going to love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away. But I’m here now, I guess because I want those extra 45 days with you, I want each one of them. Look, and if I can’t have them, I’ll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because I love you, I’m always going to love you, till the end of my days and beyond. You’ll see.”

And no matter how many times I see this episode, it kills me.

But maybe you can take the HIMYM episode and my morning coffee date and use it to alter your thinking: what if you went through life sure that everything you wanted was going to work out? Maybe you don’t spend your time trying to figure out “Oh are things going to work out? Am I going to fulfill my dream of xyz? When will I meet xyz? Will I be happy?” and just start assuming you are. Maybe you just go through every day carefree and assume that “You know what, it may not seem like it right now, but it’s all about to work out, and things are changing for the better, and everything is going to be fine” After all, Ted met Tracy 45 days after that low day.

Maybe 45 days from now, your life will be entirely different — for the better. Maybe you’ll start your dream job and it’s even better than you imagined. Maybe you’ll meet the love of your life and they’re everything you thought they would be. Maybe you’ll meet someone who ends up being your twin flame and best friend for life.

I’m cautiously optimistic. For now, I’m going to move on to the next HIMYM episode, which is a lot less heavy, and keep drinking my cold coffee. Later today I’m going to go to a flower shop and buy overpriced flowers and then will go to the used bookstore with my brother. Before I daydream for 45 days from now, I’ll take a moment and pause and enjoy the fact that I get to go get overpriced flowers and have lil sibling bonding moments with Sid.

To all of you, I hope you’re all having a wonderful Saturday and mark your calendars for April 30, because you never know what’s going to happen between now and then

Until next time!

xo

Sandhya

Please join me while I go through my 29th year around the sun, then please click the follow or subscribe button! Feel free to connect with me through this platform, twitter, my coffee and checkins Instagram, my podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, or Amazon Music, or email me at coffeeandcheckins@gmail.com! If you have any suggestions for topics or anything you’d like me to write/speak about, please let me know🙂❤